I’ve never seemed to hear the music that most other people here. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually felt the presence of God (whoever or however you define “God”) inside the walls of a human built sanctuary. My spiritual search still feels like I’m hiking towards that glow on the horizon with a herkin’ great pebble in my shoe and no matter how many times I take the shoe off and shake it out it won’t stay put. The darn thing moves around. Its size and shape seems to change with every step. So I keep marching along; stopping every now and then to shake out the pebble that magically finds its way back into the shoe before I have time to take the next step.
I have a shelf full of books on various flavors of Christianity, neo-paganism, pagan Reconstructionism, Wicca, shamanism, Celtic traditionalism, druids……you name it; I’ve at least looked it up on the internet. And discovered that, guess what, the various flavors of pagans don’t really get along any better than the rest of us. And why am I really not surprised? The “I’m right, and you’re (whoever you are) wrong” attitude is depressingly universal. One or two pieces will really speak to me and the rest leaves me cold.
And then I find this:
My lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really understand myself.
And the fact that I think I am following
Your will does not mean I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
Does in fact please you.
And I hope I have the desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the
Right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may
Seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear for you are ever with me and
You will never leave me to face my troubles alone.
By Thomas Merton
And then I think that maybe I’m not the only one who hears the music.